How Exercise Can Calm Anxiety

By Gretchen Reynolds
July 3, 2013 12:01 AM

In an eye-opening demonstration of nature’s ingenuity, researchers at Princeton University recently discovered that exercise creates vibrant new brain cells — and then shuts them down when they shouldn’t be in action.

For some time, scientists studying exercise have been puzzled by physical activity’s two seemingly incompatible effects on the brain. On the one hand, exercise is known to prompt the creation of new and very excitable brain cells. At the same time, exercise can induce an overall pattern of calm in certain parts of the brain.

Most of us probably don’t realize that neurons are born with certain predispositions. Some, often the younger ones, are by nature easily excited. They fire with almost any provocation, which is laudable if you wish to speed thinking and memory formation.

But that feature is less desirable during times of everyday stress. If a stressor does not involve a life-or-death decision and require immediate physical action, then having lots of excitable neurons firing all at once can be counterproductive, inducing anxiety.

Studies in animals have shown that physical exercise creates excitable neurons in abundance, especially in the hippocampus, a portion of the brain known to be involved in thinking and emotional responses.

But exercise also has been found to reduce anxiety in both people and animals.

How can an activity simultaneously create ideal neurological conditions for anxiety and leave practitioners with a deep-rooted calm, the Princeton researchers wondered?

So they gathered adult mice, injected them with a substance that marks newborn cells in the brain, and for six weeks, allowed half of them to run at will on little wheels, while the others sat quietly in their cages.

Afterward, the scientists determined each group’s baseline nervousness. Given access to cages with open, well-lighted areas, as well as shadowy corners, the running mice were more willing to cautiously explore and spend time in open areas, an indication that they were more confident and less anxious than the sedentary animals.

The researchers also checked the brains of some of the runners and the sedentary mice to determine how many and what varieties of new neurons they contained.

As expected, the runners’ brains teemed with many new, excitable neurons. The sedentary mice’s brains also contained similar, volatile newborn cells, but not in such profusion.

The runners’ brains, however, also had a notable number of new neurons specifically designed to release the neurotransmitter GABA, which inhibits brain activity, keeping other neurons from firing easily. In effect, these are nanny neurons, designed to shush and quiet activity in the brain.

In the runners’ brains, there were large new populations of these cells in a portion of the hippocampus, the ventral region, associated with the processing of emotions. (The rest of the hippocampus, the dorsal region, is more involved with thinking and memory.)

What role these nanny neurons were playing in the animals’ brains and subsequent behavior was not altogether clear.

So the scientists next gently placed the remaining mice in ice-cold water for five minutes. Mice do not enjoy cold water. They find immersion stressful and anxiety-inducing, although it is not life-threatening.

Then the scientists checked these animals’ brains. They were looking for markers, known as immediate early genes, that indicate a neuron has recently fired.

They found them, in profusion. In both the physically fit and the sedentary mice, large numbers of the excitable cells had fired in response to the cold bath. Emotionally, the animals had become fired up by the stress.

But with the runners, it didn’t last long. Their brains, unlike those of the sedentary animals, showed evidence that the shushing neurons also had been activated in large numbers, releasing GABA, calming the excitable neurons’ activity and presumably keeping unnecessary anxiety at bay.

In effect, the runners’ brains had responded to the relatively minor stress of a cold bath with a quick rush of worry and a concomitant, overarching calm.

What all of this suggests, says Elizabeth Gould, director of the Gould Lab at Princeton, who wrote the paper with her graduate student Timothy Schoenfeld, now at the National Institute of Mental Health, and others, “is that the hippocampus of runners is vastly different from that of sedentary animals. Not only are there more excitatory neurons and more excitatory synapses, but the inhibitory neurons are more likely to become activated, presumably to dampen the excitatory neurons, in response to stress.” The findings were published in The Journal of Neuroscience.

It’s important to note, she adds, that this study examined long-term training responses. The runners’ wheels had been locked for 24 hours before their cold bath, so they would gain no acute calming effect from exercise. Instead, the difference in stress response between the runners and the sedentary animals reflected fundamental remodeling of their brains.

Of course, as we all know, mice are not men or women. But, Dr. Gould says, other studies “show that physical exercise reduces anxiety in humans,” suggesting that similar remodeling takes place in the brains of people who work out.

“I think it’s not a huge stretch,” she concludes, “to suggest that the hippocampi of active people might be less susceptible to certain undesirable aspects of stress than those of sedentary people.”

Content from here.

10 Ways Smart People Stay Calm

Dr. Travis Bradberry, Contributor
TalentSmart, President and ‘Emotional Intelligence 2.0,’ Coauthor

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.

If you follow my work, you’ve read some startling research summaries that explore the havoc stress can wreak on one’s physical and mental health (such as the Yale study, which found that prolonged stress causes degeneration in the area of the brain responsible for self-control). The tricky thing about stress (and the anxiety that comes with it) is that it’s an absolutely necessary emotion. Our brains are wired such that it’s difficult to take action until we feel at least some level of this emotional state. In fact, performance peaks under the heightened activation that comes with moderate levels of stress. As long as the stress isn’t prolonged, it’s harmless.

Research from the University of California, Berkeley, reveals an upside to experiencing moderate levels of stress. But it also reinforces how important it is to keep stress under control. The study, led by post-doctoral fellow Elizabeth Kirby, found that the onset of stress entices the brain into growing new cells responsible for improved memory. However, this effect is only seen when stress is intermittent. As soon as the stress continues beyond a few moments into a prolonged state, it suppresses the brain’s ability to develop new cells.

“I think intermittent stressful events are probably what keeps the brain more alert, & you perform better when you are alert,” Kirby says. For animals, intermittent stress is the bulk of what they experience, in the form of physical threats in their immediate environment. Long ago, this was also the case for humans. As the human brain evolved and increased in complexity, we’ve developed the ability to worry on events, which creates frequent experiences of prolonged stress.

Besides increasing your risk of heart disease, depression, & obesity, stress decreases your cognitive performance. Fortunately, unless a lion is chasing you, the bulk of your stress is subjective & under your control. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ under stressful circumstances. This lowers their stress levels regardless of what’s happening in their environment, ensuring that the stress they experience is intermittent & not prolonged.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when faced with stress, what follows are ten of the best. Some of these strategies may seem obvious, but the real challenge lies in recognizing when you need to use them and having the wherewithal to actually do so in spite of your stress.

1. They Appreciate What They Have

Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the “right” thing to do. It also improves your mood, because it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol played a major role in this.

2. They Avoid Asking “What If?”

“What if?” statements throw fuel on the fire of stress and worry. Things can go in a million different directions, & the more time you spend worrying about the possibilities, the less time you’ll spend focusing on taking action that will calm you down & keep your stress under control. Calm people know that asking “what if? will only take them to a place they don’t want—or need—to go.

3. They Stay Positive

Positive thoughts help make stress intermittent by focusing your brain’s attention onto something that is completely stress-free. You have to give your wandering brain a little help by consciously selecting something positive to think about. Any positive thought will do to refocus your attention. When things are going well, and your mood is good, this is relatively easy. When things are going poorly, and your mind is flooded with negative thoughts, this can be a challenge. In these moments, think about your day and identify one positive thing that happened, no matter how small. If you can’t think of something from the current day, reflect on the previous day or even the previous week. Or perhaps you’re looking forward to an exciting event that you can focus your attention on. The point here is that you must have something positive that you’re ready to shift your attention to when your thoughts turn negative.

4. They Disconnect

Given the importance of keeping stress intermittent, it’s easy to see how taking regular time off the grid can help keep your stress under control. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and even—gulp!—turning off your phone gives your body a break from a constant source of stress. Studies have shown that something as simple as an email break can lower stress levels.

Technology enables constant communication and the expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an email that will change your train of thought and get you thinking (read: stressing) about work can drop onto your phone at any moment. If detaching yourself from work-related communication on weekday evenings is too big a challenge, then how about the weekend? Choose blocks of time where you cut the cord and go offline. You’ll be amazed at how refreshing these breaks are and how they reduce stress by putting a mental recharge into your weekly schedule. If you’re worried about the negative repercussions of taking this step, first try doing it at times when you’re unlikely to be contacted—maybe Sunday morning. As you grow more comfortable with it, and as your coworkers begin to accept the time you spend offline, gradually expand the amount of time you spend away from technology.

5. They Limit Their Caffeine Intake

Drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the source of the “fight-or-flight” response, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt email. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyperaroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. The stress that caffeine creates is far from intermittent, as its long half-life ensures that it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body.

6. They Sleep

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. Stressful projects often make you feel as if you have no time to sleep, but taking the time to get a decent night’s sleep is often the one thing keeping you from getting things under control.

7. They Squash Negative Self-Talk

A big step in managing stress involves stopping negative self-talk in its tracks. The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that—thoughts, not facts. When you find yourself believing the negative and pessimistic things your inner voice says, it’s time to stop and write them down. Literally stop what you’re doing and write down what you’re thinking. Once you’ve taken a moment to slow down the negative momentum of your thoughts, you will be more rational and clear-headed in evaluating their veracity.

You can bet that your statements aren’t true any time you use words like “never,” “worst,” “ever,” etc. If your statements still look like facts once they’re on paper, take them to a friend or colleague you trust and see if he or she agrees with you. Then the truth will surely come out. When it feels like something always or never happens, this is just your brain’s natural threat tendency inflating the perceived frequency or severity of an event. Identifying & labeling your thoughts as thoughts by separating them from the facts will help you escape the cycle of negativity and move toward a positive new outlook.

8. They Reframe Their Perspective

Stress and worry are fueled by our own skewed perception of events. It’s easy to think that unrealistic deadlines, unforgiving bosses, and out-of-control traffic are the reasons we’re so stressed all the time. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them. So before you spend too much time dwelling on something, take a minute to put the situation in perspective. If you aren’t sure when you need to do this, try looking for clues that your anxiety may not be proportional to the stressor. If you’re thinking in broad, sweeping statements such as “Everything is going wrong” or “Nothing will work out,” then you need to reframe the situation. A great way to correct this unproductive thought pattern is to list the specific things that actually are going wrong or not working out. Most likely you will come up with just some things-not everything—& the scope of these stressors will look much more limited than it initially appeared.

9. They Breathe

The easiest way to make stress intermittent lies in something that you have to do everyday anyway: breathing. The practice of being in the moment with your breathing will begin to train your brain to focus solely on the task at hand and get the stress monkey off your back. When you’re feeling stressed, take a couple of minutes to focus on your breathing. Close the door, put away all other distractions, and just sit in a chair and breathe. The goal is to spend the entire time focused only on your breathing, which will prevent your mind from wandering. Think about how it feels to breathe in and out. This sounds simple, but it’s hard to do for more than a minute or two. It’s all right if you get sidetracked by another thought; this is sure to happen at the beginning, and you just need to bring your focus back to your breathing. If staying focused on your breathing proves to be a real struggle, try counting each breath in and out until you get to 20, and then start again from 1. Don’t worry if you lose count; you can always just start over.

This task may seem too easy or even a little silly, but you’ll be surprised by how calm you feel afterward and how much easier it is to let go of distracting thoughts that otherwise seem to have lodged permanently inside your brain.

10. They Use Their Support System

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To be calm and productive, you need to recognize your weaknesses and ask for help when you need it. This means tapping into your support system when a situation is challenging enough for you to feel overwhelmed. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as talking about your worries will provide an outlet for your anxiety and stress and supply you with a new perspective on the situation. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation. Asking for help will mitigate your stress and strengthen your relationships with those you rely upon. 

Bringing It All Together

Overwhelming anxiety and empowerment are mutually exclusive. Any time you are overcome with enough stress/anxiety to limit your performance, just follow the steps above to empower yourself and regain control.

Content from here.

Celtic Prayer for Strength

As you pray the Celtic Prayer, you are invited to hold a loved one in prayer. If you choose, you may insert a loved one’s name in place of “me.”

“Christ as Light illuminate and me (name)
Christ as shield overshadow me (him/her)
Christ under me, Christ over me

Christ beside me on my left and on my right
This day be within and without me
Christ as Light, Christ as shield
Christ beside me on my left and on my right

Calm me, O Lord, as you stilled the Storm
Still me O Lord, keep me from harm
Let all tumult within me cease.
Enfold me Lord in your peace.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart.

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true Word.
I ever with Thee, and Thou with Me, Lord.
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee One.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart.”

— St. Patrick

Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

Bronnie Ware posted an extraordinary piece on Regrets of Dying on her blog. I share it below in the hopes we will all take it to heart.

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For many years, I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last 3 to 12 weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

This post was originally published on Inspiration and Chai.

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Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia who spent several years caring for dying people in their homes. She has recently released a full-length book titled ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing’. It is a memoir of her own life and how it was transformed through the regrets of the dying people she cared for. For more information, please visit Bronnie’s official website at www.bronnieware.comor her blog at www.inspirationandchai.com.

Thoughts at the Bedside: Creating Sacred Space

Saying goodbye is tricky business. Sometimes our own emotional needs overwhelm us and make it harder to keep our focus on the dying person.

A prior post, Last Words, explores what to say when saying goodbye. Megory Anderson explores a different dimension of saying goodbye, creating sacred space by attending to some very practical needs. You can also download Megory Anderson’s practical suggestions at http://www.SacredDying.org/

Reclaim Grace and Dignity for Your Dying Loved One

Thoughts at bedside: 10 ideas to engage family and friends in “Spiritual Presence” for your loved-one.

De-clutter the bedside area.

Set the space apart using candles, music, etc., to create a calm, peaceful atmosphere. This will be the “sacred space” around your dying loved-one.

Within this physical sacred space keep the focus of any conversation on the dying person.

Allow intentional conversation with or about the person, but no idle chatter among visitors: keep that outside.

Take cues from your loved-one regarding practical matters.

If there is no indication that s/he would like to discuss or handle practical things, keep these things well away from the sacred space. If you know the person’s wishes regarding privacy, make sure they are respected.

Take turns or assign someone as “doorkeeper” to shepherd the transition from the outside hubbub to the sacred space.

It can often be helpful to establish a daily or weekly schedule with family members.

Take cues from your loved-one regarding not only physical needs but emotional and spiritual as well.

Don’t take center stage with your own emotions. While your own needs are certainly valid, if all eyes are on you and the comfort you need, consider stepping outside the sacred space to allow the focus to re-shift to the loved-one.

When s/he begins actively dying, the most important element of vigiling is your calm presence. It is a solemn gift.

To hold this quiet space so your loved-one can transition as easily as possible, use tools that you have already gathered in a “vigiling toolkit.” Items to include: special objects to hold that have personal or religious meaning (a prayer shawl, a favorite scarf, a rosary), reflective readings or books or prayers, music, candles (flame or battery). Traditional prayers are often used, but other favorite readings can be appropriate, too. The idea is to personalize these items for your loved-one.

If you are at home, don’t be surprised if family pets want to participate.

If possible, let them behave naturally: on the bed or on your lap, etc.

Friends/family who can’t physically be there during this time can still be involved from afar.

For example, someone long-distance could be in charge of mass communications, informational emails, etc. There are many online choices such as candle-lighting websites, creating a Facebook page with updates, and other internet options.

Ask absent friends/family to vigil with you at a designated time once or twice daily.

They could do this from anywhere in the world, simply taking a few minutes in shared thought/prayer, listening to music, lighting a candle, etc.

Don’t worry about making practical calls immediately after s/he passes.

Spending some time in silence can be profound and meaningful. Then, consider designating one person to go do practical things while one continues to sit quietly for as long as possible.

This post was originally published by Megory Anderson at http://www.sacreddying.org/

Last Words

You may have heard the statistic:  More people are afraid of public speaking than dying. But how about when we combine the two, speaking about dying to those near death? From my experience, the idea of speaking to those near death conjures dread. We don’t know what to say, and knowing these may be our last words to someone we love weighs heavily.

Poet Dylan Thomas writes, “After the first death, there is no other.”

Too bad. We’d probably be better navigating a second death if we got a crack at it.

Greek mythology’s tour guide for the journey to death was Charon the ferryman. He accompanied people across the River Styx on a one way trip to the underworld.

Years ago, someone shared with me six simple things to say when someone is dying. I consider this the wisdom of a modern Charon. Simply put, they are:  I love you. Thank you. I forgive you. Forgive me. I (We) will be okay. Goodbye.

I love you.

Three simple words. Three powerful words. My crusty, WWII veteran dad was 88 before he uttered those words to me. For years, I’d say “I love you” as I hung up the phone. My dad would fumble around and say something like “same here” or “I feel the same,” but the actual words eluded him until he was on his deathbed. Then, remarkably, he said, ‘I love you.”

Thank you.

I have a thank you card that reads, “When eating the apple, remember who planted the tree.” We don’t always remember to thank, and surely we don’t often thank the ones who brought us the momentous stuff in our lives:  our parents’ sacrifice and dedication to make sure we had a chance at a good education; their presence at our band concerts and soccer games; their cheering us on, and seeing the best in us when others saw a different reality. Thank you.

I forgive you.

Face it. We’ve all held on to offenses and grudges way too long. Likely, we even remember slights that were not intentional. We hang on to the hurt even though the pain does not serve us well.  We allow the pain to be a barrier in our future relationships. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It does not mean we are willing to be taken advantage of again. It does mean we are letting go of our option for revenge as we hand our hurts and anger over to God.

Forgive me

The church uses the words, “for my sins of omission and commission”. Forgive me for what I have done and what I have failed to do. Sometimes we are more culpable for our inaction that for our actions.

I will be okay.

I am convinced our loved ones sometimes hang on for us, cling to life because they know we are not yet ready for them to die. Saying the words, “I will be okay” gives your loved one permission to go. When young children are in the picture, I suggest people let the dying person know the child will be loved and cared for.

Goodbye.

Simply letting the dying person know they can go to God when it is their time frees them.

Sometimes last conversations bring healing to a relationship that had become defined by wounds and history.  As John Philip Newell writes, “It is about bringing into relationship again the many parts of our lives, including our brokenness, in order to experience transformation.  It is not about forgetting the wound or pretending that it did not happen.  It is about seeking a new beginning that grows inseparably from the suffering.”

Birthing and dying are oddly similar bedfellows in the circle of life. We had no ideas on how to be born, but we allowed others around us to coax us into the world. The same can be said of dying.  In death, I’ve noticed that the most peaceful person in the room is often the one dying.  As Carl Jung reminds us, “Wholeness is about integration . . .  but not perfection.”  What we say doesn’t need to be perfect.  Just say it with love.

Originally published in the Eden Prairie News ©Beryl Schewe  www.berylschewe.com

The Need to "Fix"

What is the need to “fix”?

• Behavior to rescue or help another.
• Desire to be there for someone in need
• Believe you can do a better job or know more than the person who you are helping.
• Inability to emotional detach from person or situation—you fix because the costs to YOU are too high not to.
• Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable.
• Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal mastery in life.
• Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance.
• Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved and over responsible in your relationships with persons, places, and things.

What are the potential negatives of “fixing”?

• Others become dependent on you
• The relationships are ones of inequality—you are helping someone you perceive to be not as strong as you
• Fixing is judgmental—it requires you see another person as “broken” and in need of fixing.
• Judgment creates distance, disconnection and seeing ourselves as somehow “different” from those we fix.
• Helping or fixing incurs “debt”—you “owe” me.
• Fixing is draining and depleting
• Fixing is very concrete and specific—we help a particular person with a particular need
• When we help or fix, we gravitate towards those that are weaker than we are—needier than we are—this inequality is felt and diminishes the others self-esteem.

How is the need to fix a control issue?

• It puts the "locus of control'' into your hands as the fixer rather than into the hands of those being fixed where it correctly belongs.
• Giving advice, offering solutions, and directing choices puts you in a "power'' and "controlling'' position over those things you are trying to fix.
• The sense of over-responsibility which leads you to need to fix others is a "de-powering'' of the others to take responsibility for themselves; it puts the onus of accountability on you if the solutions do not succeed. It also puts the recognition for their success on you rather than on those you are fixing.
• Those being "fixed'' often feel "out of control'' in terms of what is happening in their lives and can become dependent on you the fixer to "do for them'' rather than to "do for themselves.''
• Although "fixing'' looks altruistic, it is really a sef-centered behavior because the outcome is not so much for the other's  benefit but to make you feel good, relaxed, at peace in that things are the way they "should be.'

How is “fixing” different from “serving”

• Service is a relationship of equals—I am served as I am serving
• When we serve—we trust the wholeness of the other—we respond and collaborate with others.
• We serve life not because it is broken, but because it is holy (Mother Teresa)
• When we serve, our service comes out of the wholeness of our lives—we give and receive at the same time
• Service generates gratitude (from us and those we serve), service is sustaining and renewing.
• In service, we know we are serving something greater than ourselves, not something less than ourselves.

Steps to overcome the "fixer" role

Step 1

List and identify all persons, places, and things with whom you are a “fixer.”

• The people I feel a need to "fix'' are:
• The places I feel a need to "fix'' are:
• The things I feel a need to "fix'' are:

Step 2

For each person, place, or thing identify the following:

• What are the issues that need fixing?
• For whom are these issues a problem? Are they a problem for you, a problem for the other, or a problem for both of you?
• How openly has the other admitted these issues are problems and how have they asked for your help to “fix” them?
• How has the other tried to take steps to solve or “fix” these problems on their own? How successful have they been?

Step 3

You next need to identify what are the "hooks'' in your relationship with each person, place, or thing that keep you in your fixer role.

Emotional Hooks Self Assessment

• Your sense of guilt if they should get worse
• Your sense of over-responsibility
• Your sense of obligation
• Your fantasy of a change in the relationship
• Fear of losing them
• Your need to be needed
• Your need to control others
• Your need for approval and recognition
• A martyr complex. This is your role in life to clean up the messes which others make in your life
• A sense that they can't do it without you
• Your inability to emotionally detach from others who are in a toxic relationship with you

Step 4

Once you identify the "hooks'' in the relationship with each person, place, and thing for whom you are a fixer, then you need to develop rational, healthy alternative beliefs which allow you to "let go'' of the need to "fix'' them.

“We can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without helping or fixing…helping and fixing may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul. They may look similar if you’re watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different too. ”

— Rachel Remen

Results Versus Process Oriented

Results Oriented

• Try to do for others what only God can do.
• Focus on “curegiving,” on trying to solve others’ problems.
• Foster dependency by making decisions for others.
• Use their “caregiving” to satisfy self-centered needs to feel good about themselves and in control.
• Try to control others’ behaviors.

Process Oriented

• Concentrate on what they are able to do and leave the results to God.
• Concentrate on caring for others.
• Foster dependence on God, and self-reliance, by helping others make their own decisions.
• Focus their other-centered care on providing what their care receivers need.
• Try to control their own behavior.

What We Can Do versus What Only God Can Do

Stephen Ministers care for their care receivers in many ways, but only God can bring healing and changed lives. When SMs try to take over God’s role, it never works out. You will hope for many results in your care receivers’ lives that only God can bring about.

Cure versus Care

SMs are sometimes “wounded healers” who have gone through crises similar to their care receivers’, It can be easy, however, for SMs to forget how long it took and how much struggle was involved in working through their own crises. They may push CRs to try a particular solution that worked for them. This may appear caring, but it crosses the line from caregiving to curegiving. Most often, people need to figure out their own solutions.

Part of caring is sharing the CR’s pain. This may well be the hardest part of relating as a caregiver instead of a curegiver. When a SM tries to impose a cure, he or she may think it is for the CR’s sake. It may actually be done, however, to relieve the pain he or she feels from empathizing with the CR. It is most caring to stick with the process orientation and continue caring, even though it hurts to do so.

Depending on the Caregiver versus Depending on God

When someone uses results-oriented care, it may make the CR dependent on the caregiver. If the SM makes decisions for the CR, the CR may end up making fewer and fewer decisions for him- or herself. This delays a CR’s recovery from a crisis.

Some caregivers may be tempted to encourage such dependency. They may like the feeling of having someone else depend on them. It may make them feel needed and bolster their self-esteem. Such dependency, however, does CRs no good.

Instead, SMs encourage CRs to depend on God and become more self-reliant. With a process orientation, SMs help CRs take responsibility for themselves. They help CRs to think through what they can do for themselves. They also model reliance on God by praying with and for their CRs and by witnessing about how much they personally depend on God’s help.

Sometimes SMs are convinced that they know what a CR needs better than he or she does. Even then, they need to remain process- oriented, allowing the CR to make his or her own choices and leaving the results to God.

Self-Centered versus Other-Centered

Self-centered care might include: pushing the CR to get over their grief so the SM can report a “success,” pressuring the CR to get started sharing so the caring visit can end and the Stephen Minister can go do something else, putting guilt on the care receiver for not trying to reconcile with their estranged spouse because the Stephen