The Power of Presence

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.”

— Walter Anderson

“Love is stronger than death even though it cannot stop death from happening. No matter how hard death tries, it cannot separate people from love. It cannot take away memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

— Anonymous

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The Power of Presence

All Things Considered, December 26, 2005 by Debbie Hall

"Presence is a noun, not a verb; it is a state of being, not doing."

I believe in the power of presence.

I was recently reminded of this belief when I and several other Red Cross volunteers met a group of evacuees from Hurricane Katrina. We were there, as mental health professionals, to offer "psychological first aid." Despite all the training in how to "debrief," to educate about stress reactions and to screen for those needing therapy, I was struck again by the simple healing power of presence. Even as we walked in the gate to the shelter, we were greeted with an ardent burst of gratitude from the first person we encountered. I felt appreciated, but vaguely guilty, because I hadn’t really done anything yet.

Presence is a noun, not a verb; it is a state of being, not doing. States of being are not highly valued in a culture which places a high priority on doing. Yet, true presence or "being with" another person carries with it a silent power -- to bear witness to a passage, to help carry an emotional burden or to begin a healing process. In it, there is an intimate connection with another that is perhaps too seldom felt in a society that strives for ever-faster "connectivity."

I was first hurled into an ambivalent presence many years ago, when a friend's mother died unexpectedly. I had received a phone call from the hospital where she had just passed away. Part of me wanted to rush down there, but another part of me didn't want to intrude on this acute and very personal phase of grief. I was torn about what to do. Another friend with me at the time said, "Just go. Just be there." I did, and I will never regret it.

Since that formative moment, I have not hesitated to be in the presence of others for whom I could "do" nothing. I sat at the bedside, with other friends, of a young man in a morphine coma to blunt the pain of his AIDS-related dying. We spoke to him about his inevitable journey out of this life. He later told his parents -- in a brief moment of lucidity -- that he had felt us with him. Another time I visited a former colleague dying of cancer in a local hospice. She too was not awake, and presumably unaware of others' presence with her. The atmosphere was by no means solemn. Her family had come to terms with her passing and were playing guitars and singing. They allowed her to be present with them as though she were still fully alive. With therapy clients, I am still pulled by the need to do more than be, yet repeatedly struck by the healing power of connection created by being fully there in the quiet understanding of another. In it, none of us are truly alone.

The power of presence is not a one-way street, not only something we give to others. It always changes me, and always for the better.

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Debbie Hall has been a psychologist in San Diego's Naval Medical Center Pediatrics Department for 12 years. She volunteers for the Disaster Mental Health Team of her local Red Cross and lives in Escondido with five cats and a 15-year-old golden retriever.

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“The world is more magical,
less predictable,
more autonomous,
less controllable,
more varied,
less simple,
more infinite,
less knowable,
more wonderfully troubling
than we could have imagined
being able to tolerate
when we were young.”

— James Hollis, Meaning in the Second Half of Life

Choosing the Right Mental Health Therapist

Why is this choice so important?

Therapy is a collaborative process, so finding the right match—someone with whom you have a sense of rapport—is critical. After you find someone, keep in mind that therapy is work and sometimes can be painful. However, it also can be rewarding and life changing…

What are the steps for choosing a therapist?

1. Find out what the mental health coverage is under your insurance policy or through Medicaid/Medicare.
2. Get two or three referrals before making an appointment. Specify age, sex, race, or religious background if those characteristics are important to you.
3. Make sure the therapist has experience helping people whose problems are similar to yours. You may want to ask…about the therapist’s expertise, education, and number of years in practice.
4. If you are satisfied with the answers, make an appointment.
5. During your first visit, describe those feelings and problems that led you to seek help. Find out:
   • What kind of therapy/treatment program he or she recommends;
   • What the benefits…;
   • How much therapy the mental health professional recommends;
   • Whether he or she is willing to coordinate your care with another practitioner…
6. Be sure the psychotherapist does not take a “cookie cutter” approach to your treatment, because what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Different psychotherapies and medications are tailored to meet specific needs.
7. Although the role of a therapist is not to be a friend, rapport is a critical element of successful therapy. After your initial visit, take some time to explore how you felt about the therapist.
8. If the answers to these questions and others you come up with are “yes,” schedule another appointment to begin the process of working together to understand and overcome your problems. If the answers to most of these questions are “no,” call another mental health professional from your referral list and schedule another appointment.

Excerpts from National Mental Institute Health Information Center

Counseling 911

Seeking a couples therapist? Here are some resources and questions to help steer you to a good one.

Therapistlocator.net lists more than 15,000 marriage and family therapists who are members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, which requires that they meet strict training and education requirements and abide by the association’s code of ethics.

To find a therapist who prioritizes commitment as the first option, search a registry of therapists who have agreed to a values statement at marriagefriendlytherapists.com.

Two widely recognized evidence-based approaches with research supporting their effectiveness include emotionally focused couples therapy, which helps couples shift their negative interactions to positives ones (iceeft.com for a list of certified therapists); and integrative behavioral couple therapy, which helps each partner accept the other as is (ibct.psych.ucla.edu has a list of trained counselors).

For couples on the road to divorce, the University of Minnesota’s Couples on the Brink Project developed a new type of short-term therapy called “discernment counseling” to help them determine whether it’s worth pursuing counseling or if it’s better to let the marriage go. Go to cehd.umn.edu (search for “discernment counseling”) for more information.

Information from here.

Done Right, Many Couples Benefit from Counseling

Article by: ALEXIA ELEJALDE-RUIZ , Chicago Tribune  Updated: April 28, 2013

Couples counseling, marriage therapist Pat Love says, is “like assembling an airplane in flight.” Highly stressful. Highly volatile. Potentially explosive. So you want a skilled technician in control. But not all counselors are trained to navigate the rough winds of a relationship in distress. And they can do more harm than good, some experts say.

“Unfortunately, many therapists have not been trained to step out of the who’s-to-blame dynamic,” said Diane Gehart, professor of marriage and family therapy at California State University at Northridge.

While any number of social workers, psychologists and other counseling professionals can perform couples therapy — and many do it well — that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve had much experience with it or that they’ve gone through the specialized course work required of licensed marriage and family therapists. And when a therapist accustomed to treating individuals brings an individualistic approach to a couples’ session, it can backfire, Gehart said. Unlike traditional psychodynamic therapy for individuals, the most effective couples’ therapy doesn’t plumb the unconscious or delve into the past or seek to identify the psychopathologies causing people to behave in destructive ways, Gehart said. Rather, couples therapy works best when it focuses on the systemic interactions between partners, she said — that is, how the relationship dynamics are perpetuating patterns that are driving them apart and what positive steps each person can take to change them.

“You learn to treat the system, not the symptom,” said Love, an Austin, Texas-based author of several relationship books. “If you don’t pay attention to the system, one person will feel betrayed, left out, reactive and not want to come back to therapy.”

So in the classic case of the stoic husband and emotional wife, good couples therapists might identify how his indifference is driving her panic, and vice versa, so both can make changes and neither shoulders all the blame, Gehart said. What they don’t do is identify the man’s inability to express his feelings as the central problem. Love said people often come to therapy in hopes of getting the therapist to agree that their partner is, in fact, a useless lump or a horrid nag. And it’s hard not to get sucked into their worldview.

Before she became trained as a couples therapist, Love said, “I thought a couple came in, and they would tell me their story, and I would say, you’re right, you’re wrong, and I would break the tie.” But siding with one partner, or even seeming to, hurts the cause. The real client in couples counseling is the relationship, Love said. And it needs a calm and cogent arbiter whom both partners trust to direct the session when temperatures in the room rise.

“Can you cut people off? Can you intervene? Can you redirect? Can you draw out emotions? Can you build a bridge between the two people?” Love said.

Bill Doherty, director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, has been writing about bad couples therapy for years. One of the most important questions people should ask when seeking a therapist, he said, is how much of their practice is devoted to couples. Look for at least 30 percent. Among the missteps a well-meaning but inexperienced counselor can take, Doherty said:

• Appearing to side with one partner over the other.
• Allowing hot conflict, including letting partners interrupt each other and blame or criticize each other.
• Offering bromides about good communication but little else.
• Failing to give homework that each partner can work on for the next session.
• Performing a cost-benefit analysis on whether the relationship is worth saving.
• Advising partners that they may be better off split.

Doherty advocates against couples therapy that takes a “values-neutral” approach that treats marriage and divorce as equally viable options or the “me”-oriented perspective that views relationships as platforms for people to be happy. That’s not to say people should stay miserable. But Doherty notes that there’s a lot of psychological research showing the pursuit of happiness is itself self-defeating.

“Happiness is a byproduct of a life well-lived — of good relationships, of making a difference in the world,” he said.

Doherty didn’t always practice what he now preaches. At the start of his career, he said, he took an individualistic approach to couples therapy, and if one partner didn’t want to save the marriage, he didn’t see how it was worth saving. About 30 percent of couples who seek counseling are these “mixed agenda” couples in which one person is “leaning out.”

But while not all marriages can or should be salvaged, it’s not the counselor’s role to decide.

“I’m the last person to give up; I’m not the first person to give up,” Doherty said. People should be able to tell early on if the therapy is helpful. Within the first couple of sessions, each partner should feel that the therapist understands his or her point of view and is actively structuring the sessions, Doherty said. The relationship should be improving in five to eight sessions. When done right, about 70 percent of couples therapy cases show positive change, according to a study last year in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

Article from here.

Conflict Resolution

“So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. ”

— 1 Corinthians 13:13

Every one fights. You will too. One key to a successful relationship is learning to fight fairly. We know our loved ones Achilles’ heel; the challenge is to not use that knowledge to harm another when we are red-hot with rage. A fight about who does the dishes shouldn’t end up with words that wound and can never be taken back.  Learning to fight fairly is a skill and we can all learn to do a better job. Here are some ideas.

Using "I" Statements to Resolve Conflict: D.E.S.C Model

D = DESCRIBE the behavior that you do not like.

E = EXPRESS your feelings regarding the behavior, using an “I” statement.

S = SPECIFY a more acceptable behavior, either with or without the input of the person(s) with whom you are experiencing conflict.      This can best be done by listing alternative behaviors and coming to an agreement upon one of them.

C = Developing CONSEQUENCES, both positive and negative, might be helpful, especially if previous efforts at resolving the conflict have led to mistrust. This need not be done if trust is present.

Examples

• I feel [state a feeling] when you [describe the behavior].
• I would really like to do something about this situation so that it will not happen again. I’m wondering if you have any ideas about possible solutions.
• Here are some of my ideas. [State alternative solutions and come to an agreement on one of them.]
• Now, since this problem has come up before, I want some assurance that the problem will work this time. [Negotiate positive and/or negative consequences.]
• I feel much better now that we’ve spoken about this issue. I appreciate your willingness to work this out with me.

Information from here.

Thomas-Kilmann Model of Conflict Resolution

Competing

takes a wholly assertive and uncooperative approach to resolving the conflict. It means standing up for your rights, defending a position which you believe is correct, or simply trying to beat the other side.

Accommodating

takes a wholly unassertive and cooperative approach. This might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, giving in to another person’s orders when you would prefer not to, or yielding to another’s point of view.

Avoiding

takes an unassertive and uncooperative approach to the conflict and don’t deal with it. Avoiding might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.

Compromising

takes an approach that is both assertive and cooperative but only to some extent. It’s the approach of “half a sixpence is better than none.” Both sides get something but not everything. It might mean splitting the difference between the two positions, some give and take, or seeking a quick solution in the middle ground.

Collaborating

takes the opposite extreme of avoiding. It means being willing to believe that when two parties are at loggerheads, it is possible for both sides to come out with what they want. Collaborating requires developed conflict resolution skills based on mutual respect, a willingness to listen to others, and creativity in finding solutions.

Adapted from here.

Visio Divina

Visio divina is a form of lectio divina that combines holy reading with reflection on a Holy image.

1. We listen to the Word (lectio)

• Listen for a word or phrase (contemplation)
• Speak the word or phrase aloud

2. We gaze at the image and listen to the Word

• Share with the group what you see and hear (meditation)
• Explore the meaning of what you have encountered
• Discuss together, listen attentively

3. Think of a personal story that relates to the disciple’s experience on the road

• An experience of deep sadness (Cross)
• Changed to an experience of “heart burning” or recognition (Resurrection)
• You will be invited to share this story with the group

Mark 4:3-9

“Listen! A sower went out to sow. As he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and it sprang up quickly since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched; and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. Other seed fell into good soil and brought forth grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirty and sixty and a hundredfold.” And he said, “Let anyone with ears to hear listen!”

Spiritual Reading - The Process of Lectio Divina

On Spiritual Reading

Spiritual reading (lectio divina) is the ancient practice of savoring a text with patient playfulness. This way of reading is alert with expectation that a transforming word of life will make its way from the written narrative of the author to the lived narrative of the reader. Spiritual reading holds out the promise of fresh meaning, insight, or truth emerging between the writer and reader. This wisdom transcends time and space. Yet it also enables the reader to enter more reflectively and faithfully into his or her own time and space. In this respect, spiritual reading embodies the pattern of the Incarnation, where Word becomes flesh for the life of the world. Peter of Celle, the great twelfth-century Benedictine abbot, describes spiritual reading this way:

“Reading is the soul’s food, light, lamp, refuge, consolation, and the spice of every spiritual savor. It feeds the hungry, it illuminates the person sitting in darkness; to refugees from shipwreck or war it comes with bread. It comforts the contrite heart, it contains the passions of the body with the hope of reward. When temptations attack, it counters them with the teaching and example of the saints...In the bread box of sacred reading are breads baked in an oven, breads roasted on a grill, or cooked in a frying pan, breads made with first fruits and sprinkled with oil, and barley cakes. So, when this table is approached by people from any walk of life, age, sex, status or ability, they will all be filled with the refreshment that suits them.”

From back cover of “Weavings,” March/April 2007.

The Process of Lectio Divina

Reading: Lectio

Gently read the Scriptures, slowly savoring and repeating the parts of the text that speak to the depths of your heart. Listen to the Word “with the ear of your heart”, and be willing to linger on portions of the text that seem to speak to you in a special way. Through repetition, gently allow the text to percolate in your memory. Be willing to set the printed text aside and to listen quietly to the Word which you have taken into your heart.

“The reading or listening which is the first step in lectio divina is very different from the speed reading which modern Christians apply to newspapers, books and even to the Bible. Lectio is reverential listening; listening both in a spirit of silence and of awe. We are listening for the still, small voice of God that will speak to us personally—not loudly, but intimately. In lectio we read slowly, attentively, gently listening to hear a word or phrase that is God’s word for us this day.”

Meditation: Meditatio (rumination)

Lovingly and slowly repeat the text you have internalized. Allow this interior ‘mulling over’ to help the text ‘yield its savor’. Allow the text to interact with your memories, your hopes, your concerns. Don’t be afraid of ‘distractions’; simply acknowledge them and let go of them, always returning to the portion of the Scriptures you have taken into your heart.

“Once we have found a word or a passage in the Scriptures which speaks to us in a personal way, we must take it in and “ruminate” on it. The image of the ruminant animal quietly chewing its cud was used in antiquity as a symbol of the Christian pondering the Word of God.”

Prayer: Oratio

Let the text summon you to place before the Lord all of yourself. Make the Word you have taken into yourself be a real word of consecration—a Word of blessing and a means of offering to the Lord your deepest hopes and concerns. Let the gentle repetition of the Word lead you into a dialogue with the God Who originally inspired the text, and Who has now used the Scriptures as a way of drawing you into His presence.

“Just as a priest consecrates the elements of bread and wine at the Eucharist, God invites us in lectio divina to hold up our most difficult and pain-filled experiences to Him, and to gently recite over them the healing word or phrase He has given us in our lectio and meditatio. In this oratio, this consecration-prayer, we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the word of God.”

Contemplation: Contemplatio

As you feel called to do so, simply rest silently in the presence of the Lord. Be willing to let go of the text which has led you into God’s presence. Enjoy the sweetness of silent communion with the God Who stands behind the Scriptures.

“Finally, we simply rest in the presence of the One who has used His word as a means of inviting us to accept His transforming embrace. No one who has ever been in love needs to be reminded that there are moments in a loving relationship when words are unnecessary. It is the same in our relationship with God. Wordless, quiet rest in the presence of the One Who loves us has a name in the Christian tradition—contemplatio, contemplation. Once again we practice silence, letting go of our own words; this time simply enjoying the experience of being in the presence of God.”

Conclusions

“Recognize that these steps are not stages in an orderly process: they are a way of allowing the inner rhythms of our spiritual lives to become more and more charged with the presence of God. We are not to judge the quality of our Lectio by how much or how little time we spend in any of the above activities. The rhythm of Lectio Divina reflects the rhythm of our lives: we may move from one step to another without realizing it; and we may find several steps coexisting at the same time. Lectio Divina is simply a way of experiencing in our reading of the Scriptures what God intends our whole lives to become—a continuous experience of His presence, a continual and unending prayer."

Information adapted from Fr. Luke Dysinger, O.S.B.

Accepting the Embrace of God: The Ancient Art of Lectio Divina

A very ancient art, practiced at one time by all Christians, is the technique known as lectio divina—a slow, contemplative praying of the Scriptures which enables the Bible, the Word of God, to become a means of union with God. This ancient practice has been kept alive in the Christian monastic tradition, and is one of the precious treasures of Benedictine monastics and oblates. Together with the Liturgy and daily manual labor, time set aside in a special way for lectio divina enables us to discover in our daily life an underlying spiritual rhythm. Within this rhythm we discover an increasing ability to offer more of ourselves and our relationships to the Father, and to accept the embrace that God is continuously extending to us in the person of his Son Jesus Christ.

Roadblocks to Communication

“Listen with the ear of your heart.
”

— The Rule of Benedict

Put down messages—belittling, ridiculing, disapproving

• You shouldn’t feel that way
• You have some strange ideas
• You must be kidding

Comparing

When that happened to me I handled it by....

Judging, criticizing, blaming

• I can’t believe that
• You might not be having these problems now if you had...

Preaching, moralizing

• It’s for your own good
• There’s more fish in the sea

Diverting, avoiding, changing the subject

• Forget it
• That reminds me...

Rejecting

• Let’s not discuss that any longer
• I have to leave now, I can’t take this conversation

Challenging

• You couldn’t have done that
• You don’t really mean that

Defending

• That person has an excellent reputation
• But that doctor is very competent
   

Attending

“Giving your physical and psychological attention to another person in a communication situation.”

Components include:

Contact:

“Eye contact is one way of indicating interest in the other person, because the eyes are one of the key modes of communication. This does not mean that eye contact must be a fixed stare. If you are honestly interested and at ease, you will look naturally at the other person throughout the communication. Another element of contact is the distance between yourself and the other person. It is important to base this on the comfort level of the other person. some experimentation is usually necessary before two people discover the most comfortable distance between themselves.”

Gestures:

“A great deal is communicated by body movements. If you become fidgety, drum your fingers, cross your arms, or sneak glances at your watch while listening, you may be conveying an unintended message to the other person. The key is to only use gestures consistent with what is being communicated.”

Environment:

“The environment, or setting, should support the communication. A space which promotes privacy for undisturbed conversation is essential. Consider removing barriers between yourself and the person you are listening to (such as a large table that comes between you, a car door you might be leaning on, or a crowd that happens to surround you at the moment). If that is not possible, choose an alternate space or a more appropriate time to communicate.”

Interested Silence:

“A period of active, attentive silence serves as a gentle nudge to the other to move deeper into the conversation. It allows the other time to think and reflect and then comfortably proceed at his or her own pace. The speaker may pause and you, the listener, can attend without having to say anything. Giving the speaker time to experience and explore the feelings that churn up from within often enables him or her to explore their feelings at a deeper level. Silence is particularly useful in situations of loss or grief, such as the death of a loved one or a significant personal loss. Appropriate silence is useful in helping the other talk about a difficult problem.”

Information taken from here.